You Want to Kick What?

So me and Big Al and Stinky Pete were down at O’Brian’s Bar and Grill watching the NBA finals. And trying to figure out why. You see, none of us really likes basketball, and we’re all tired of watching the Lakers and the Celtics compete for the title. I reckon it was because the NHL playoffs were over.


There’s something about guys gathered around a TV in a bar watching sports – any sports – that makes us feel like we’re part of a community. It gives us a sense of camaraderie…like men in combat or in a prison gang.

While I was feeling the warmth of knowing that my homies got my back, I watched with glazed-over eyes as Kobe Bryant did something that had the announcers screaming like teenage girls at a Justin Bieber concert. I didn’t care. I just wasn’t excited about the game.

I picked up a copy of the Missoulian that someone had left at the bar and started reading. I came across an interesting article, and I said, “Hey, did you guys hear about this Hopkins feller working in a wild animal park near Glacier who got mauled by a grizzly? It says here that a judge ruled that he deserves workers’ comp even though he got stoned before coming to work.”

“No way,” replied Big Al. “If I had a job, I think I’d wait until after work to get high.”

“There’s a great quote from the judge. He said, ‘It is not as if this attack occurred when Hopkins inexplicably wandered into the grizzly pen while searching for the nearest White Castle.’”

Stinky Pete chimed in, “It shouldn’t matter. He was stoned at work.”

“The judge felt that being under the influence of marijuana was not a contributing factor,” I explained. “He said that the only major cause of the attack was the grizzly bear. So the guy got hurt on the job from circumstances that were beyond his control.”

“You know, I’d have to agree with that,” said Stinky. “A grizzly bear is definitely one of those things beyond our control.”

That got me to thinking.

There’re a lot of things that folks have no control over but somehow believe that they do.

Take fer instance President Obama saying that he’s in charge when it comes to the BP oil spill. He doesn’t know anything about drilling oil wells, so how does he know what’s best? I wonder what exactly he expects to do – put on a wetsuit, grab a giant wad of bubble gum, dive down there and just plug the hole up.

I can image the President telling BP, “So I see you guys are working hard to stop all this oil from washing up on my clean white beaches.”

“Yes sir, Mr. President.”

“Could you work any harder?”

“We’ll do our best, Mr. President.”

“Yes! That’s how a man in charge takes care of things.”

The President likes to pretend that there’s something that he can do to end this disaster, and the American people like to let him pretend. That way we can blame him.

While there’s not much Obama can do to stop the leak, there’s plenty of other stuff he could be doing. First, he could’ve come right out at the start and recognized the loss suffered by the families of the 11 men killed on the rig like he did for the West Virginia coal miners.

Second, he could order National Guard troops to the area to begin sponging up all the oil that’s on the beaches and in the marshes right now. But they’ve got to wait on an environmental assessment before they can start any clean-up effort.

The truth is that the government doesn’t want to get involved. Because if they do, BP can turn around and tell folks who’re filing claims, “It’s not our fault. We were doing great until the US government came in and messed everything up. Go talk to them.”

Last week in an interview with Matt Lauer on the Today show, Obama said that he’d been meeting with experts so he’d know “whose ass to kick.” I would’ve thought that by day 50, he’d have figured that out. Isn’t it obvious? BP is responsible; who else’s ass do you need to kick.

The President needs to be careful though. The media keeps interviewing commercial fisherman who are angry that they’re losing money, but folks need to remember that the oil industry is a much bigger part of the Gulf Coast economy than shrimp.

You kick a grizzly bear in the ass, and you may not like the results.

I don’t know, I guess I think too hard about these things.

Copyright 2010

The Sporting Life

So let’s talk about sports. Last week the Butler Bulldogs came close to pulling off one of the biggest upsets in NCAA basketball history.

The crowd was definitely pulling for the underdogs, who hadn’t been given much credit when the playoff brackets were announced. Several analysts had said that Butler was overrated and that they would be the number 5 seed that would be upset in the first round by a 12 seed.

With time running out Gordon Hayward put up the potentially championship-winning shot only to have it bounce off the rim and fall to the floor. Most basketball fans couldn’t believe the miracle run was over. In the end, it proved one thing – Duke is the best team in the country.

The NCAA women’s tournament came down to unbeaten Connecticut vs. once-beaten Stanford. The last time UConn lost a game was in the 2008 Final Four to Stanford. The only loss the Cardinal had this season was to the Huskies. After a sloppy first half, UConn came from behind to win, extending their unbeaten streak to 78 games.

Major League Baseball began their 2010 season, and fans of our national pastime headed out to the ballpark to root, root, root for the home team. With no major sex scandals or steroid controversies, baseball got off to a quiet start. In fact, if you aren’t a fantasy fanatic, you might’ve missed it.

Of course, the NBA and the NHL are getting geared up for the playoffs. You know there’s at least one young hockey player out there who can’t wait to use Lord Stanley’s Cup as a big shiny beer mug.

Finally, Tiger Woods returned to competition in the Masters Golf Tournament. He lost, but that’s not really important. What is important is that he and his sponsors are making money again.

On Tuesday, the video game company Electronic Arts launched Tiger Woods PGA Tour Online. The New York Times quoted Peter Moore, president of EA Sports, as saying, “We think this will be a productivity killer.” He’s betting on the fact that middle-aged, male, golf/video game fans don’t care about Tiger’s extra-curricular activities. And he’ll probably win that bet.

I haven’t played it, but from their website you can get a feel for what the game entails. It’s free, and you can play virtual golf with folks all over the world, but if you want to get to the point where you can compete at the highest levels, you’re going to have to shell out a few bucks to upgrade your gear. And if they add an after-the-match party mode in a future release, the private rooms at the strip clubs won’t come cheap either.

Maybe one of the upgrades you can buy will be a virtual house call from Dr. Anthony Galea who’s being investigated for providing performance enhancing drugs to NFL and Major League Baseball players. According to The Huffington Post, he was seen at Tiger’s house at least four times during February and March.

Nike got back into the game with new ads featuring Tiger staring at the camera with his dead dad’s voice saying, “I want to find out what your thinking was. I want to find out what your feelings are. Did you learn anything?”

That got me to thinking.

Tiger’s dad, Earl, also cheated on his wife. He could have been a contributing factor in Tiger’s unfaithful behavior…he’s gone, and we’ll never know. Maybe what he was asking was, “Did you learn how to not get caught next time?”

There were other folks cashing in on Tiger’s appearance at the Masters. Former mistress Joslyn James teamed up with the Pink Pony, an Atlanta strip club, to perform on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday Atlanta is only about 150 miles from Augusta, where the tournament is played.
The club’s website posed the question, “Will Tiger come to see her at the Pony?”

At a recent press conference, Joslyn, who’s appeared in 16 adult films, was asked if she would attend the golf tournament. Her lawyer, Gloria Allred, replied that she wouldn’t because Augusta National “still excludes women from membership in the same way that they used to exclude African-Americans.”

Way to make a stand for women’s rights. I’m sure she’ll work that into her act at the Pony.

Anyway, it was a big week in sports.

I don’t know, I guess I think too hard about these things.

For more go to http://www.dustwinslow.com/.

© Copyright 2010