A Whack in the Crotch

So there I was, sitting in the shade by the river, eating a roast beef sandwich. I’d found a nice fallen log to act as both table and chair, and it felt good to be out of the sun taking a break from fishing.


Just as I was finishing up, my pal Cap’n Billy floated by with a couple of his buddies and his dog Streamer. I waved, and they rowed over to see if I wanted any company for lunch. They were more than welcome.

While they unloaded their cooler, I said hello to Streamer. She’s an energetic 2-year old black lab whose passion is playing fetch. I figured I’d give the boys a break and keep her busy while they ate. Otherwise, she’d be bringing them sticks to throw the whole time.

I picked up a sturdy piece of wood, and Streamer began to bounce around like a punk-rocker in a mosh pit. I told her to sit, which she did, and I tossed the stick down the bank. She took off and snatched it up the second it hit the ground, gnawing and shaking it like House Democrat mauling a budget proposal.

As she trotted back to me with her prize, she suddenly stopped, dove into a bush, and rooted around. After some thrashing and snarling, she emerged with a branch about 4 feet long and 2 and a half inches thick. When Streamer plays fetch, she prefers the heavy stuff.

Using both hands, I tossed the massive limb as far as I could, which wasn’t very far. She eagerly brought it back without any strain.

After a couple of minutes, I got tired and was ready to call it quits. I turned and began to walk away, but Streamer rushed in front of me, blocking my way with the enormous stick.

Cap’n Billy saw what was happening and called out, “Streamer! Come here, and leave Dusty alone.”

The dog whipped her head around to look at her master, and the end of the branch buried itself in the sensitive part of my groin area. I let out a “whuff” and fell to the ground, clutching my personal business. Through the searing man-pain, I could hear distant laughter, and I knew that if Bob Sagat were here, he’d be writing me a check for $10,000.

One thing’s for sure…if Streamer ever wants me to throw a stick again, I’m going to do it. I don’t need to take another beating like that.

That got me to thinking.

Some folks, just like Streamer, get so single-mindedly obsessed on an issue that they’re oblivious to the people around them. Take fer instance, Marty Essen, self-described “Multi-award-winning author and college speaker.”

Never heard of him? Well, neither had I until our local newspaper, the Ravalli Republic, ran a front-page article on him. He’s got a web site called turnofffoxnews.com where he asks “airports, hotels, bars, restaurants, and other public locations to Turn Off Fox News.” Essen believes that in these places where there’s a “captive audience” the network is being forced upon people who “aren’t politically aware enough to realize they’re watching the broadcast news equivalent of professional wrestling.”

As proof of the evils of Fox News, the most watched cable news channel in America, he directs folks to mediamatters.org, a 501(c)(3) dedicated to “correcting conservative misinformation in the U.S. media.” Now there’s a group that sounds fair and balanced.

Essen states that Fox’s actions “undermine elections, belittle the environment, embolden the paranoid, enrich the rich, and in general, divide our country.” Wow, that’s one powerful TV station. It must be run by aliens trying to take over the planet – or am I just being paranoid.

Essen doesn’t have similar complaints about MSNBC or CNN, which I find are aired in plenty of public places. And I reckon he’s never heard of Ezra Klein of The Washington Post and his group, JournoList.

In case you aren’t aware, the JList was a secret group started by Klein made up of left-wing journalists, about 400 of them, who conspired to influence the nation’s media coverage to promote liberal ideas and candidates. They even worked actively with Obama and other candidates to help them develop talking points that they could cover favorably. They disbanded in June after being exposed, but many have already formed a new secret group called Cabalist.

What gets to me is that Essen and all the other single-minded whiners of any political persuasion complain about being subjected to one-sided media coverage, while subjecting the rest of us to their one-sided bias of the media. They’d prefer to whack us in the crotch with a stick until we conform to their beliefs rather than do the simple thing – don’t watch the TV.

I don’t know, I guess I think too hard about these things.