Hail to the Beauty Queen

So after a full day of fishing, I stopped off at O’Brian’s Bar and Grill for a cold one. Stinky Pete came in with one of his clients, and they sat down next to me at the bar.


Dressed in his pressed slacks and Orvis shirt, the banker/lawyer told me about what a big cheese he was back in New York. Then, after surveying the room, Mr. Wall Street zeroed in on a family having dinner at a table in the corner.

“Look at that guy,” he says to me. “With that long ponytail, scraggly teeth and Bud Light t-shirt. Don’t people around here believe in dentists? I bet he doesn’t even know what a mortgage-backed security is.”

“Now wait a minute, Hot Shot,” I tell him, trying to hide my anger. “I know that guy. Sure he’s got a ponytail, but it’s neat and combed. His t-shirt is clean, and he probably can’t afford a lot of dental work.

“He’s a trucker, and he provides for his family. Look at how well-behaved his children are. That’s because he spends time with them.

“You think you’re better than him because you’ve got a bunch of money, but he works a lot harder at both his job and his family than you ever will. And besides, he’d never say anything bad about a stranger he’s never met just because of the way they look.”

I got up and left before I lost my temper.

That got me to thinking.

What the hell is wrong with people these days?

Take fer instance Mike Hart, a professional bass fisherman, who was recently caught cheating at the US Open fishing tournament. He stuffed 2-ounce lead weights down the throats of the fish he presented for weigh-in.

Normally, the bass are weighed and released, but if they die, they’re filleted, and the meat is sent to a charity. Hart attached treble hooks to the lead sinkers so they would catch in the throat of the bass, hoping that they wouldn’t be found if the fish were cut open.

That’s exactly the reason why fishing should be about fun, family and getting together with your pals, not about competition, cash prizes or corporate sponsors. Hart was banned for life from professional tournaments, but the only fitting punishment would’ve been to shove lead weights on hooks down his throat.

And how about Bristol Palin, who got pregnant while her mother was running for Vice President, got engaged to the baby-daddy, called off the wedding, and then announced her re-engagement in Us Weekly. Well, she and Levi Johnston broke up again. In fact, they broke up on the day the magazine hit the stands, but we had to wait for the latest issue of People to find out.

According to Bristol, Levi only wanted media attention (said the girl who’s telling her life story each month in celebrity gossip magazines). She may have a point, though, because Levi’s publicist said that he’s hired a trainer to get his body in shape for his upcoming Playgirl spread, which should be on the shelves in time for the holidays. Take that as free gift advice for all you fellers looking for something for the hard-to-please lady in your life.

Speaking of media whores with no shame, President Obama skipped the Boy Scouts’ Jamboree, celebrating the organization’s 100th anniversary, to appear on “The View.” The Scouts could’ve taught the President a few things about what it means to be a man, but instead he chose to face the hard-hitting questions about Snooki, the girl on the realty show “Jersey Shore.”

Why would the President blow off such a traditional event to appear on a daytime TV talk show? Because Boy Scouts are too young to vote. Women who sit on the couch eating bon bons, watching Whoopi and Joy, and living off government programs that are paid for by working peoples’ taxes (like Hillary Clinton) are Barack’s key constituency.

When is Obama going to start acting like the President of the United States instead of some beauty pageant contestant? While he was running for the title of Miss Everybody-in-the-Universe-Loves-Me, he talked about Hope, Change, and of course, World Peace. Now that he’s won the crown (with Joe Biden as first runner-up), all he still cares about is how much folks like him. So he smiles, looks good in his swimsuit, blames everyone else, and avoids making the decisions that will reduce government spending, create jobs, lower taxes, and put our economy back on track. In the meantime, he panders to the bon bon eaters, and makes sure that it’s business as usual in Washington.

You know, whether you’re a long-haired trucker raising a family or the President of the United States, it’s how you act that defines who you really are.

I don’t know, I guess I think too hard about these things.