You Want to Kick What?

So me and Big Al and Stinky Pete were down at O’Brian’s Bar and Grill watching the NBA finals. And trying to figure out why. You see, none of us really likes basketball, and we’re all tired of watching the Lakers and the Celtics compete for the title. I reckon it was because the NHL playoffs were over.


There’s something about guys gathered around a TV in a bar watching sports – any sports – that makes us feel like we’re part of a community. It gives us a sense of camaraderie…like men in combat or in a prison gang.

While I was feeling the warmth of knowing that my homies got my back, I watched with glazed-over eyes as Kobe Bryant did something that had the announcers screaming like teenage girls at a Justin Bieber concert. I didn’t care. I just wasn’t excited about the game.

I picked up a copy of the Missoulian that someone had left at the bar and started reading. I came across an interesting article, and I said, “Hey, did you guys hear about this Hopkins feller working in a wild animal park near Glacier who got mauled by a grizzly? It says here that a judge ruled that he deserves workers’ comp even though he got stoned before coming to work.”

“No way,” replied Big Al. “If I had a job, I think I’d wait until after work to get high.”

“There’s a great quote from the judge. He said, ‘It is not as if this attack occurred when Hopkins inexplicably wandered into the grizzly pen while searching for the nearest White Castle.’”

Stinky Pete chimed in, “It shouldn’t matter. He was stoned at work.”

“The judge felt that being under the influence of marijuana was not a contributing factor,” I explained. “He said that the only major cause of the attack was the grizzly bear. So the guy got hurt on the job from circumstances that were beyond his control.”

“You know, I’d have to agree with that,” said Stinky. “A grizzly bear is definitely one of those things beyond our control.”

That got me to thinking.

There’re a lot of things that folks have no control over but somehow believe that they do.

Take fer instance President Obama saying that he’s in charge when it comes to the BP oil spill. He doesn’t know anything about drilling oil wells, so how does he know what’s best? I wonder what exactly he expects to do – put on a wetsuit, grab a giant wad of bubble gum, dive down there and just plug the hole up.

I can image the President telling BP, “So I see you guys are working hard to stop all this oil from washing up on my clean white beaches.”

“Yes sir, Mr. President.”

“Could you work any harder?”

“We’ll do our best, Mr. President.”

“Yes! That’s how a man in charge takes care of things.”

The President likes to pretend that there’s something that he can do to end this disaster, and the American people like to let him pretend. That way we can blame him.

While there’s not much Obama can do to stop the leak, there’s plenty of other stuff he could be doing. First, he could’ve come right out at the start and recognized the loss suffered by the families of the 11 men killed on the rig like he did for the West Virginia coal miners.

Second, he could order National Guard troops to the area to begin sponging up all the oil that’s on the beaches and in the marshes right now. But they’ve got to wait on an environmental assessment before they can start any clean-up effort.

The truth is that the government doesn’t want to get involved. Because if they do, BP can turn around and tell folks who’re filing claims, “It’s not our fault. We were doing great until the US government came in and messed everything up. Go talk to them.”

Last week in an interview with Matt Lauer on the Today show, Obama said that he’d been meeting with experts so he’d know “whose ass to kick.” I would’ve thought that by day 50, he’d have figured that out. Isn’t it obvious? BP is responsible; who else’s ass do you need to kick.

The President needs to be careful though. The media keeps interviewing commercial fisherman who are angry that they’re losing money, but folks need to remember that the oil industry is a much bigger part of the Gulf Coast economy than shrimp.

You kick a grizzly bear in the ass, and you may not like the results.

I don’t know, I guess I think too hard about these things.

Copyright 2010